The title of this post is an echo of how I have felt about my own life in the last three months. The time from the end of April to mid July has been a roller coaster ride, and though a few really great things happened during this time period, it is not a time that I would like to relive. The months of May, June, and July brought more stress, frustration, and sorrow than any other months in my short twenty-four years, but during this dark season, I learned so much about myself and those who walk through this life alongside of me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that relationships are more important to me than anything else in this world. I honestly could not survive without my relationships with God, family, and friends, so when any of those relationships are negatively altered, it has a tendency to rock my world. My happy little bubble began to quiver in mid April when my Papaw received a shocking cancer diagnosis.
My mom's parents, known to me as Mamaw and Papaw, have always been two of the people that I most loved and respected in my own family. As children, my brother and I would spend the night with them weekly, and in our eyes, a happier place could not be found. Mamaw has always been so great with kids, and activities at her house could range from Easter egg hunts in October, to competitive games of Tiddlywinks in the living room floor. Spending time with Papaw was always equally as fun. I remember countless trips to the golf course, where Ethan would putt and I would be allowed to drive the golf cart. Papaw was also very sneaky, always managing to slip Ethan and I extra money or ice cream when Mamaw turned her back.
When I moved to Tuscaloosa, Mamaw and Papaw were still a large part of my life. I came home often, and more times than not, I would stop by their house on my way back to school for ice cream and a chat. When I got involved in the college choir at my church in Tuscaloosa, Mamaw and Papaw came down every Christmas to listen to me sing. Until the day he died, Papaw continued to claim that we were the best and most genuinely worshipful choir that he had ever heard.
I share a few memories of my grandparents simply to show how much it stung when our family received Papaw's terminal cancer diagnosis. Our family was blindsided by this news. What we had been lead to believe was a bulging disk or a pinched nerve was about to take away the patriarch of our family. We were devastated as the doctors explained that his cancer was in the advanced stages, and that Papaw would likely be in excruciating pain until the very end. As we expressed our sadness and frustration at the situation and the doctors who had failed to catch this sooner, Papaw remained calm and optimistic. He listened to his diagnosis with a quiet acceptance and began to get his affairs in order. Over the next few weeks, he gathered our family together countless times to impart last bits of wisdom, speak of his love for us, and remind us to take care of Mamaw. As the pain grew to intolerable levels, he did not complain. I sat in his hospital room many nights as he prayed for God to take care of his family, and never once did he pray for his pain to be lessened. Instead of crying out when the pain became too much, he sang and quoted scripture. The 23rd Psalm and the old hymn "I Come to the Garden" always seemed to comfort him.
Though watching my sweet Papaw suffer was one of the most difficult things I have ever witnessed, my faith is stronger from having watched him face death. His journey to meet his Savior was filled with such strength and grace that he often brought the nurses to tears. He thanked them daily for the disgusting jobs that they often had to do, and he prayed over them as they changed his sheets or administered his medication. I have never in my life watched someone who suffered so much completely lack some sort of anger or bitterness, and I am a better person because of the testimony of Charles Schlangen. Though I do not have the space to detail his life here, it is important to know that he lived life in the same way that he died. A better man will never be found.
The impact that Papaw had on his friends, family and community was evident at his funeral. The receiving line grew so long that it eventually had to be stopped, and food and flowers poured into my grandparents' house for days. I returned to work at Sparkman the day after the graveside service at Papaw's request. One of the last things he said to me was, "Don't you lay out of school because of me, young lady. Those kids need you, and you need a job!" While the week following his death was difficult, going back to school kept me in a routine, and I think even Papaw knew that I would cope better if I was busy.
In the midst of losing Papaw, my brother finished his bachelor's degree and graduated from Auburn University. In fact, we were on the way to his graduation when Papaw took his final breaths. Papaw had made my mom promise that she would watch Ethan walk across the stage, and though he was unable to be there in person, I know he had an even better seat than the rest of us. While Ethan's graduation day was very tough, he did exactly what his Papaw wanted him to do. Each of us had said our goodbyes to Papaw in the hours prior to leaving for Auburn, and I am comforted by the fact that nothing was left unsaid. I am so glad that he left this life knowing how much he was loved by his entire family.
Within two weeks of returning to my daily routine, I received another shocking piece of news. On May 21st, a close friend of mine from high school lost her life. Though I will not go into the details of her death, her passing was horrific and shrouded with mystery. Even two months later, I don't think that there is anyone who truly knows what took place that night. Her death came as such a surprise, and my hometown reeled from the news of her passing. Her poor family had already endured so much in the last few years, so it was heartbreaking to watch tragedy encompass them again. As is often the case when someone dies so young, many of my classmates, myself included, had a hard time making sense of what happened. I, personally, had many conversations with God in an attempt to try to understand why he had taken two people who seemingly had so much life left to live. No matter where I turned, I encountered those who were grieving and suffering, and on a lot of days, it made me very angry and bitter. My husband was such a source of strength for me during this time, and while he told me it was okay to question God, he worked very hard to keep me from becoming bitter.
After returning home on the day of Tonya's funeral, I went to bed very early. I had not been feeling well, and after the events of the past few weeks, I wanted nothing more than to sleep for awhile. I popped in a load of laundry and slept for about twelve hours. Upon waking up the next morning, Matt offered to take me to lunch. I showered and changed clothes, and on my way out the door, I reached for my engagement and wedding rings. They were gone. Over the course of the next eight hours, Matt and I turned our apartment upside down. We looked everywhere, but the rings were nowhere to be found. Since I had been sick, and slightly drowsy from my medication, I could not remember whether or not I had been wearing the rings when I returned home from the funeral. After ransacking our apartment, we called the funeral home and tore through Matt's jeep. Still nothing. I was beyond upset. While I knew that the rings were replaceable, I was distraught. I wanted MY rings. The ones that Matt had had built especially for me. The ones that he had given me on our wedding day. The ones that I never got tired of looking at, even a year and a half after Matt's proposal. I was angry at myself for being so careless, and I beat myself up about the loss for two weeks. Matt on the other hand, was extremely understanding. Never once did he get angry with me. Even when I ranted and raved he was calm and understanding. He promised that he would try to find rings that were similar to my originals, and when I moaned about the sentimental value, he offered to hold a small ceremony with friends and family to pray over and bless the new rings. I know, my husband is wonderful :).
As two weeks passed and we began to look at our options for replacing the rings, Matt found out that he was getting pink slipped for the third time in a year. I was livid. Matt's school system had done nothing but jerk him around the entire time that he had been employed. Not only had we already been forced to move once because of their indecision and underhanded maneuvers, our attempts to get tenure in his system had caused me to give up two job offers in the Tuscaloosa area. We had given up stable employment elsewhere because we had been given a verbal affirmation that he would be retained. Matt felt used, and we both felt that we had been lied to. For the third time in a year, we were finding ourselves unemployed and a month from needing to renew or back out of our apartment lease.
After this latest setback, I became very bitter and angry and God. Hadn't we been through enough already? How were we going to pay my student loans and replace my unreliable car with no source of income? Where would we live, since our lease was less than thirty days from expiring? During this time of resentment and bitterness, I truly began to realize the importance of Christian community. Matt and I had numerous people who stepped in to encourage us and support us when things were looking really bleak. Friends from Sunday School sent numerous notes of encouragement during these difficult weeks, and even paid to have a plant sent to the funeral home following the passing of my Papaw. Our college friends came to the funeral home and waited in a very long line, so that they could be there for us following Papaw's death. As things continued to get more difficult, they invited us to dinner and into their homes in order to support and encourage us. Our former worship leader and Sunday School teachers from our church home in Tuscaloosa prayed over us on a visit to town when they found out the job situation in which we found ourselves. A day did not pass during those weeks when I did not receive a card, phone call, or a visit from someone who wanted to love on and pray for us. My spirits, as well as those of my husband, were buoyed by the love that we received from so many of those dearest to us.
As the days continued to pass, I began clinging to a verse that had shown up in a card that I had received from a close friend of mine. That verse is Exodus 14:14, which reads, "The Lord your God will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." This short little verse encouraged me for several reasons. For starters, the first part of the verse tells me that I am not fighting my own battles. Ever. No matter how big or how small the mountain, I have to trust that God will be my advocate and provider. Though that is such a basic part of the Christian faith, it is something of which I needed to remind myself on a daily basis. When I got upset, stressed, or overwhelmed, I would quote this verse to myself as a reminder that someone else would fight these battles in my place. The second part of this verse was very convicting. Any of you who have met me for more than ten seconds know that I am very chatty. Being silent is often a struggle for me. Another translation of this verse replaces the word "silent" with the word "still". Regardless of the translation, both of those things are difficult for me to do. As a self-described "doer," I have a very difficult time allowing other people to take over tasks for me. I am a control freak, so silence and stillness do not fit in well with my "let me take care of everything" mantra. Allowing God to have complete control is a struggle, but I am learning that He is in control anyway, whether I want to give up the reins or not. I am also realizing that His plans are superior to my own, and that I will be much happier and fulfilled if I can continue to remember that fact.
I like happy endings, so I will end this blog with "the best of times" portion. The months of May, June and July, while incredibly difficult, also had some very sunny moments. Matt and I were honored to stand beside some of our dearest friends as they took the same vows that we took one year ago (see pictures below). To Scott, Laura, James, and Whitney: Thank you for continuing to be such wonderful friends to us. We consider all of you to be family, and we are so blessed that we have you guys to do life alongside of us.
Sweet Whitney and I on her wedding day! Somehow I made it through the day without getting a single picture of James. Sorry buddy :)!
Pictures from Scott and Laura's wedding. We love these two so much, and we are so glad that we all ended up in the same city! Pretty sure Laura had just finished bawling when this picture was taken.
Though losing loved ones is never easy, I can't help but to be thankful for the memories that I have of Papaw and Tonya. Below are pictures from two very happy days.
Matt and I with Mamaw and Papaw on our wedding day. I am so very happy that he was able to be a part of this day.
High school friends at one of Brittany's wedding showers. From left: Megan, me, Brittany, and Tonya.
As the summer progressed, things in the Staggs' household started to look up. Three weeks after losing my engagement and wedding rings, I found them in a bin of Matt's t-shirts. I had already looked among his clothes twice, since I had done laundry the night I had lost my ring, but somehow I had overlooked it. Evidently, they had fallen off while I was washing clothes. I was thrilled that Matt and I had not yet replaced the rings, and that they had been in a safe place the entire time! God is so good! I was thrilled.
A few weeks after finding my rings, Matt and I began a marathon three weeks of traveling. We flew to California to see his family, and we turned our trip into a sort of vacation while we were there. Matt and I spent several days in San Francisco, Fresno, Los Angeles, and Orange County. We spent a lot of time with his family and did lots of touristy things while we were there. Our one year anniversary also fell during this trip, so Matt and I spent a great day on Balboa Island. After a delicious dinner and sunset on Laguna Beach, we could officially say that we had survived our first year of marriage! I can honestly say that I love this man more ever single day. Check out our pictures from California on Facebook. I don't have room for all of them here.
Just one of the beautiful pictures that I took on our trip. This one is from Yosemite Valley.
Matt and I after a beach side dinner in Newport Beach. I love this man so much!
While our anniversary was a wonderful day for the obvious reasons, it was even more wonderful because I GOT A JOB! It is such a relief to know that we are going to have a steady income AND be able to stay in Madison. I am thrilled that we don't have to move again, and I am even more thrilled to have a job at a school that I already love. I had the opportunity to complete two leaves of absence at Sparkman during the 2011-2012 school year, and my experiences there were absolutely wonderful. I am beyond excited to join their staff as a 10th and 11th grade English teacher and assistant JV volleyball coach. I could not be happier about the way things worked out regarding my job situation, and I hope that Matt will receive an offer in the coming weeks. He has had a few promising interviews, so keep your fingers crossed! Once again, Matt and I were shown that God has greater plans than we could ever have for ourselves. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
After we returned to California, we had a day and a half to unpack/pack before leaving on a beach trip with our Sunday School class. We had a great time of fun and fellowship during our three days in Gulf Shores,and I am so glad that Matt and I made it back in time to join everyone on the trip. Below is a picture of the group at LuLu's Restaurant on our last night at the Beach.
This post turned out to be epically long (again!), so hopefully I can begin posting more frequent and condensed updates.Thanks to all of you who have encouraged and supported us over the last few months. We are blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family members, and I pray that we are able to be the help to them that they so often are to us. Until next time....
